The Zine That Teaches You How to Love
Directed by Greg Spence
For financial reasons only he can explain, my favorite Martian, Christopher Walken, returns as the evil angel Gabrielle in this no-budget, straight to video, "Terminator" rip-off, bomb. Flashdance-in-a-pan, Jennifer Beals, is an RN who is impregnated by an angel she accidentally ran over with her car. That probably requires some explaining but I refuse to do it.
In the film's only entertaining moment, the injured immortal stops during their frantic coupling and howls, "Do you accept me?" Unbelievably, she screams back, "Yes!" instead of, "Get off me, you asshole!" In typical fruit fly-like fashion, she's knocked up after just the one encounter. Her child, she learns, will save humanity in the coming Armageddon (*YAWN*) between the angels of heaven and hell. Human-hater Walken is determined to hunt her down to ensure the end of mankind.
There are virtually no special effects (like the classics "The Omen" or "Rosemary's Baby") which is fine but there's virtually no action either. It's well under two hours in length but felt endless. The half-a-buck rating is for the extra weird "do you accept me" fuck scene. Guys, don't try this one at home. If you gotta say anything in the heat of passion try, "I love you!" or even, "I'm gonna come!" Only a psycho hose-bag would find "Do you accept me?" to be an exciting bit of dirty talk. -- Rating: $0.50
Tom Graney -- copyright Hollywood Outsider 1998