Dirty Dan's Korner
Welcome to "Dirty Dan's Korner". "Dirty Dan" is a connoisseur (connoi-sewer?) of straight-to-video softcore, "pink" movies. If you are easily skeeved-out, please, SKIP HIS REVIEWS! -- Otherwise, enjoy "Dirty Dan's" evaluation of movies that are the male equivalent of women's romance novels. In other words, the sex without the romance. It ain't pretty. Of course, all of "Dirty Dan's" opinions are his own. Ick...
Big Boobs Buster (1993)
Directed by "Director X"
Starring a bunch of down on their luck Japanese actresses
Recently, I've had the extreme pleasure to screen a video copy of a movie called "Big Boobs Buster". It's a Japanese "erotic comedy" about a high school girl (Masako) who seems to have everything going for her. She's in love with a popular boy (Bando-san) who she desperately wants to go steady with. She has presented her case to him, and now he in turn presents his case to her. He lists all her good qualities, which are many, but in the end he can't date her because her tits are too small. She is devastated. Alas, the "Big Boobs Buster" is born.
Determined not to loose Bando-san to a schoolmate with bigger yams, she steals a list of big-breasted classmates from an old pervert, whose function at the school I'm not clear about, but he seems to be a janitor. He mostly spies on healthy young women all day long, and no one seems to care what he's doing. In fact, I think it might be part of his job to leer at the beautiful, blossoming young ladies and make lists of the ones with the biggest "man-catchers".
What is this place they call Japan? A place that seems so completely obsessed with schoolgirls in their schoolgirl uniforms and flashing panties. Is it true that this is an acceptable subject for a film? I must re-evaluate my love of beautiful, young women and their panties. I must no longer just take for granted that my lusts are simple, biological impulses. I pledge from here on to be more careful in my choice of subject matter. That's what makes "Big Boobs Buster" such a great film, its ability to provoke thought and debate! But I digress...
Masako goes on a big boob rampage, hunting down one big-tittie girl after another. First, she dresses up in an outfit reminiscent of the "Power Rangers". Then she traps and overpowers her well-endowed school chums. Next, she rips off their shirts and sprays a formula of mold-material on their naked towers of pleasure. The girls, not fully understanding the sensation, go wild with pleasure. The formula hardens and voi la, a mold is created. She then threatens to show off the hardened molds of their luscious mounds of joy to the world if they attempt to date her true love, Bando-san. I guess the logic here is, "Hey, that's just so fucking crazy it might work!" Or maybe it's something that would actually work in a shame-based society like Japan. Moving on...
During all of the struggle sequences, there is the requisite amount of low angel panty shots. Actually, there were lots of low angle leg and ass shots throughout the entire movie. Oh, and to show how much class this production had, they never showed a beaver that wasn't safely wrapped and protected in its undergarment. It is truly a film, shot on video, made with extreme care. It even paid homage to one of my favorite movies, "Metropolis".
Masako seems to have met her match in a steel bra-wearing nemesis that was reminiscent of the female robot from Fritz Lang's silent classic.Our big boobs buster will not be denied. In a last ditch effort, before her identity is exposed, Masako electrocutes the "Metropolis" chick who collapses in ecstasy. Ah, the pleasures of steel garments meeting electricity. Hmm... I better fire off a letter to Con-Ed and inquiry if mulitple orgasms are a side effect of electrocution. I'm going to guess that, in the world of "Big Boobs Buster", getting gunshot is an extremely pleasurable experience. Anyway, nobody gets hurt here, just off. Hey, I just realized something! The world imagined in this film is much better than the gory hate-fest that we actually live in!
I know I'm telling you a lot of the story but I'm just assuming you'll never get the chance to see this piece-of-shit anyway. So, our mammary-obsessed heroine does finally meet her match with her next victim -- the school's track star. Masako demands that the track star submit to her, but during a long, sexy wrestling match Masako is overpowered. The track star feels her up and finds her to be in very good shape. Our heroine has just got herself caught in a big Lesbo-trap! She's now in danger of becoming the sexual plaything of the entire all-girl track team...
I've screened this movie about three times now and have found it difficult to get past this disturbing sequence. For some reason, I'm suddenly overcome with exhaustion, and a need to go to sleep immediately. Well, I'll try again later. I love a good challenge. By the way, there's no actual sex... just lots of nudity and ridiculous sexual situations. "Big Boobs Hunter" gets a very enthusiastic and turgid "thumbs" up! Plus, it has that arty pedigree only afforded to foreign cinema! Rating = $15.00 (that's what the tape cost me and its worth every penny)
Dirty Dan -- copyright 1999 Hollywood Outsider