Old Stuff
American Pie (1999)
Directed by Paul Weitz
"Untitled Teenage Sex Comedy That Can Be Made For Under $10 Million That Most Readers Will Probably Hate But I Think You Will Love" was the original title to the movie now known as "American Pie". Why, I ask, did screenwriter Adam Herz suggest such a thing? Could it be the tasteless sexual assault of a warm apple pie? Or was it the even more tasteless scene where the obnoxious jock downs a sperm-spiked beer? Not to mention all the unmentionable scenes that were cut in order to retain an "R" rating rather than the box-office sniper NC-17. Oh, this could go on for far longer than the movie actually was. The truth is, "American Pie" was, at times, hilarious. Despite all its flaws -- of which there were many. The non-flaws are these: "American Pie" documents four high school boys' resolution to do whatever it takes to help one another rid themselves of virgin-hood before the end of the school year.
It may not be the most original storyline, but the most fascinating part of "American Pie" is not the movie itself. Rather, the scores of reviews that range from praise of this humorous coming-of-age tale, to scathing jabs declaring that the film has transcended tastelessness -- a difficult task in this day and age. Hello, reviewers! How long has it been since you were in high school? "American Pie" may have had more uncouth jokes than Ebert has bags beneath his eyes and double chins, but from what I recall -- a scant ten years ago -- "American Pie" was right on the money. The only way "American Pie" was at all like "Something About Mary" -- it's partner in grime according to other reviewers -- lies in their sperm jokes, of which there was one in "Mary" and more in "AP".
The issue here, I think, is that "American Pie" is more real than film critics would like to admit. Probably because acknowledging this will insinuate that they, too, were once malicious, sex-craving, schoolboys that would do anything to lose their virginity. This much is true, high school boys act like nervous ninnies around girls, but they do get laid. Many schools have sex education classes and hand out free condoms. Boys love to masturbate and are quite amused by anything involving sperm. Boys also get a big kick out of practical jokes, especially those that exploit bodily functions. What teenager hasn't contemplated spiking an enemy's food with laxative? Laxative was one of the lesser evils I wanted to put in a bully's lunch back in my day. And finally, porn of any sort is what really gets a boy up in the morning (afternoon, evening and night, too). Add to this a little acting, a few camera's and a some coercion towards staged stunts and you have yourself a teen flick.
In fact, the one thing I miss least about high school is just what makes this movie ring true. When most girls are beginning to discover romance (by way of movies and books, of course) most boys are victims to unpredictable boner attacks. Teenage boys are a very confused lot. They eat strange things -- such as cat food -- and perform insane stunts -- like sitting atop a moving car -- thinking that these are paths to popularity, and indirectly, girls. I've been witness to both stunts and the first, performed by an oafish football player, got him bad breath, and the latter earned the nerdy, spectacle-wearer head surgery and near brain damage.
The point is that "American Pie" expressed all of the concerns of every High school boy: sex. Their whole-hearted attempts are commendable. Yet, where this film steers wrong is in its personification of female characters. Enjoyable in "Slums of Beverly Hills", Natasha Lyonne is scripted as a beyond-her-years sexual authority. Her appearance on screen takes away from the innocence and the simple antics boys will try to bed a girl. One joins the school choir, another bribes Lyonne's character to pass rumors about his extraordinary endowment (little secret guys: high school girls don't care how large you claim to be!), the main character nearly scores with a seductive schoolmate that resembled a thirtyish dominatrix more than a 17 year old exchange student (Shannon Elizabeth). And only one character actually stumbled upon the key that will unlock a girl's knees: Give her "the big O"! (Duh.)
So it's not "Risky Business". Or "Breakfast Club", or any other movie that will be canonized in a book of must-see coming-of-age films in the future. It is what it is: A humorously, raunchy teen flick. -- Rating: $5.00
Riki Markowitz -- copyright 1999